should I...

look for an apartment? what kind of apartment do I want? how much can I afford to spend? should I let my brother put money into it? if so what percentage is appropriate? should I look for the cheapest lowliest housing available and save money until I can truly afford to get my own place? will I live to see that day? maybe I should focus on getting a band started? should I be playing guitar right now? I never quite seem to get around to it and that certainly wont do... is being in a band going to alleviate this feeling I have about the worthlessness of my own life? do I have something redeeming to share that can jumpstart my heart back into former compassion for this life and those living it? how come everyone seems so sure of things? what do they know? seriously not sarcastically. I thought I knew a lot once. I used to give speeches. I used to ramble and muse. people had to listen and quite possible hated me like I loathe others now: for their certainty, for their level of engagement in the things they are surrounded by. how they get up in the morning to go out and do whatever it is. why am I so jealous all the time? is it because they are not me? do I hate myself? have I no sense of humor? has this cynicism been forced upon me or have I welcomed it, egging it on, incubating, feeding it? where have all my friends gone? do they still think I am the person they used to love? am I somehow still that person? were they simply amused but not anything more? did I scare them away with the hard questions I asked and to which I found answers, complicating ones that begat the deflection of gazes or physical removal from my audience. Have I uncovered nothing of value in my years, reducing myself to this deflated and jealous, hypersensitive and cynical nucleus of malcontent? what role have my skin problems in all this? have my natural inclinations been deformed so, turning my probing and analytical mind on myself? how many times can I take being let down before turning away? am I a spurned lover of life? have I been burned slowly over these last 10 years and shown a truth about misunderstanding fundamental life approach skills? have I been fighting nature or rejoining it with all this organic madness? wave after wave of media washes over me, seas of citizens with x's on their eyes embody the handed down and force fed, unseen agendas govern. have I been a demonstration of the futility of opposition, a "clinic" to borrow from the lexicon of my failed career, may have been put on by yours truly. even as I try to concede I have to wonder if I really did miss the point or if I made headway? Where is my support? Where are the ones who share my values? Do we who try too hard to understand fail essentially to understand? I am exhausted.